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On the Market

Francisco Torres, UCSB's molested stepchild that's been touched in all the wrong places, may finally become a part of the university-owned residence hall family.
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Welcome Week Wildlife

At the dawn of time, great herds of freshmen roamed the vast expanses of the West. Today their numbers have dwindled to small packs of between 30 and 50 individuals.
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Showering in Good Company

You don't really wanna shower alone, do you?" I never saw myself asking this question of a gorgeous girl without getting slapped in the face. Her reply? "Let's go."
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Fatkid Reclining: Spread a Little Anguish to the World, One Pathetic Loser at a Time

Hi. My name is Alex Benowitz-Fredericks, and I am mean to freshmen. The basic excuse here is one of basic pecking-order cruelty. But that's just an excuse.
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Tranquility Lies Just a Single Free Tibet Away

Despite 50 years of destruction and persecution that have claimed 1.2 million lives and totaled 6000 holy monasteries, the Tibetans still have an undying light in their eyes.
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The Village People

Welcome back, everyone. I would especially like to take this opportunity to welcome all of this year's freshmen to Manzanita Village.
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Last Call

Over the summer, UCSB's Greek system adopted a new set of alcohol regulations for its houses, moving toward a semidry policy that forbids any of the raging Greek parties I.V. residents can so fondly r...
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Run Over

The Chancellor's Special Advisory Committee on Parking handed over a recommendation to Chancellor Yang this summer, calling for the instatement of weekend and night parking fees.
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Homecomings and Shortcomings

When I arrived in Siena this June, I spoke barely a word of Italian and knew virtually nothing about the place I had chosen to spend my summer.
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Red Tape: New School Year Brings New School Year Resolutions

I was all set to write an informative column this week, when at the last minute someone stole my idea for the staff editorial (See upper left). Bastards.
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Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign

There seem to be three broad categories of signs: the vitally important, the theoretically useful and the utterly useless.
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Missing Car Turns Up at Towing Company; Police Suspected

Perhaps it's just my naivet
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Hungry, Hungry Opinion

The Opinion page is a hungry beast, and without you, it would be nothing. It dwells here in the middle of the Daily Nexus, five days a week, ranging from an anorexic to a plump four-page spread.
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Please, Allow Me to Introduce Myself

I am the Weatherhuman - a faceless, genderless entity whose job it is to defend the populace, or at least make them laugh until it doesn't hurt anymore.
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CC to UC Ain’t Nothing but a Heartbreak, Baby

Of all the transfers I have made in Santa Barbara, such as transferring a 12-pack of Natural Ice from the liquor store to my stomach, or transferring myself to the beach, the transfer from SBCC to the...
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